They decide I will be this person
I realised, with the years, of an experience in having sex with cis-men, told through the body and
the vulnerability of them, that is not a similar story to all the people I slept with who do not identify
as cis-men. Cis is the opposite of trans. Cis is when the gender identity and the sex assigned at birth
are aligned. For instance, if a person assigned male at birth (sex/biology) also identifies (gender
identity, how the person feels in themselves) as a man, he is a cis-man.
A lot of cis-men are crying after a hookup and want to share deep feelings that they cannot tell
anyone else in their lives. They decided I will be this person. For sure, it is 100% the case of them
being able to be vulnerable because they know they will not see you again, ever. Each time that I
am telling these stories, an expression of surprise is showing up on the faces of my acquaintances,
work colleagues or friends. But others, some of them, are not surprised. They get it. Some of them
had similar experiences and recognise the toxic masculinity embedded in our society. Some cis-men
are sharing personal facts in the hope that you will feel connected to them. They hope you will
share your raw self, like raw cold meat put on the table, and you will slowly give them a knife. Their
hand will hold the knife, and they will cut through my and your flesh slowly. Waiting for the blood
to pour, to be sucked by their mouth and tongue. Some cis-men think that you will share personal
facts, hidden stories, wild secrets and more… with them, after sex. Like the meaning of all your
tattoos. I did not sign up for that. I signed up for a FUCK and nothing else. I already struggle with
chit-chat, in regular life, at my workplace, in dating context, in opening and even with my close
friends, so in the context of a one-night fuck, what a joke, how hilarious they are!
I am usually quite bored about dates when the point is to fuck or at least that’s the direction that
everyone consent to, beforehand and…the person is going for a polite small talk. I struggle when I
need to actually talk to them before making out and maybe fucking. It is a lot of work. I often dream
to be a gay man, not specifically to fuck guys but more likely for the fluidity and easy approach to
sex. Smiling and dancing around a body, and you fuck 10 minutes later, the dream! I am not the
type of person who smiles. I am not the type of person who goes to the gym. But I’m newly trying
to get hench. I am not the type of people that people find hot and just wanna fuck. I am in this
middle ground. I am a white, skinny body, AFAB, non-binary, transmasc, tattooed, neurodivergent,
arty cliche, wearing patterned coloured shirts, angry, serious and clumsy. I am always the one who
needs to make the first move, for obvious reasons.
Going back to the crying boys. I remember this collection of T-shirts and jumpers where it is written:
BOYS GET SAD TOO. For sure, yes, they are crying. But there is a space and place to cry, thank
you! This place is not my flat. This place is not my bedroom. This place is not my living room. This
place is not in my arms, not in my hugs, not in my skin, not in my flesh. You hear me! Consent is
also about feelings and when, to whom and where you are sharing them! Go back in all the spaces
who are made for you and are yours! No, thank you, I am not yours! I am not there for you! That is
the actual deal, we are not there for each other emotionally, it is just a fuck and you agreed to it,
enthusiastically! Remember!
I hope men can build caring relationships with their close friends, being more open and trusting
with their partners or going to see a therapist. It makes me really sad, each time, that after an often
not so amazing fuck, they are sharing their personal shit. I am there listening, ‘cause it will be my
first instinct. Wishing to put my sympathy and empathy in the bin, to be able to recycle it for good,
for me loved once!
The incomplete list of subjects coming out of their mouths, with watery eyes or uncomfortable
vulnerabilities are: addiction issues, war experiences, insecurities about masculinity, insecurities
about their monogamous relationships or childhood trauma, and I forgot many others.
I remember all these stories like unfresh soft salad leaves left in the fridge too long, leaving an old
bitter taste afterwards on your tongue. Sex is easy. Sex is a hobby. Sex is life-hygiene. Sex is
deleting my thoughts. Sex is awkward. Sex is reminding myself that my body exists. Sex is good.
Sex is weird. Sex is hot. Sex is communication. Sex is pleasure. Sex can be boring. Sex can be a
mistake. Next time I should read a book instead of having sex. I don’t remember everything, but
lots of great memories. Sex and drugs is intense. He was selfish in bed and even he did not realise
it. I want to have more random sex. I should find a friend with benefits. I should think more about
what I want sexually and go for it and make a plan to achieve my sexual goals, like a five-year plan.
It is a while that I didn’t fuck with a crying or emotional cis-man, the last one was a friend. I think it
is a complicated conversation to bring up with a friend, as I know he does not have an emotional
support nest like mine. I am really lucky. It is really precious for me to have such amazing and
caring people around me, but it is work and energy that we are all putting in.
I did not know how much I can trust queer cis-men, to see me as a non-binary transmasc person, it
is not impossible but it is a tricky one. Some cis-men do not identify as queer, if they fucked
gender-non-conforming people once, twice, or if their ten years ex is non-binary or agender.
Being in the same level of understanding with queer, trans or non-binary folks is hot. It is
intellectually hot to fuck with other bodies who see you as a body, as a transmasc body, as a non-
binary body. It is hard to explain an experience of gender euphoria during a making out or during
sex as it is a feeling that is connecting yourself with your gender identity and physical body in a
magical way with a sense of unique connection with a raw self in a spiritual mind.
I am just horny now.
And.
It is just.
Not for you crying cis-men.
